Short answer
There is no death anniversary (barsi) in the sunnah. Hanafi scholars of the Deobandi tradition hold that fixing a yearly gathering or meal for the dead as a religious practice is an innovation. Remembering the person, making dua, visiting the grave and giving charity are good on any day, that day included.
Fixing a date for isal al-thawab gatherings and treating it as part of the religion is bid'ah according to Deobandi scholars. Personal remembrance, dua and charity, without such fixing, are recommended.
The four schools agree on this.
Explanation
Many families mark the day a loved one died: a barsi in South Asia, a yearly gathering or meal, or an urs at the grave of a saint. The love behind it is real. The question is whether it has become a religious ritual.
What the sources say. The Prophet ﷺ lost his wife Khadijah, his uncle Hamzah and his children, and the Companions lost countless loved ones. None of them set a yearly day for the dead. The Prophet ﷺ visited graves, made dua for the dead, and taught that anything added to the religion that is not from it is rejected.
- Making dua for the person on the day you remember them, as on any day, is good.
- Visiting the grave is good; see visiting graves.
- Giving charity or funding a sadaqah jariyah in their name is good; see sadaqah jariyah.
- Sharing good memories with family is good.
- Avoid believing the day carries special reward, or that the soul visits on it.
- Avoid making a gathering or meal an obligation, especially from the estate when there are young heirs.
- Avoid paid recitations, and customs copied from other religions' memorial services.
Some scholars in South Asia, mainly in the Barelvi tradition, allow these gatherings when people do not believe the date is required. AmalKit follows the Deobandi position above. Hold it kindly, and do not break family ties over it. See also the 40th day and reciting Quran for the dead.
The evidence
Quran, Surah Al-Hashr 59:10
وَٱلَّذِينَ جَآءُو مِنۢ بَعْدِهِمْ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَٰنِنَا ٱلَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِٱلْإِيمَٰنِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِى قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّۭا لِّلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ رَبَّنَآ إِنَّكَ رَءُوفٌۭ رَّحِيمٌ ﴿١٠﴾
And [there is a share for] those who came after them, saying, "Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith and put not in our hearts [any] resentment toward those who have believed. Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful."
Dua for the dead is the lasting way to remember them.
Sahih al-Bukhari 2697
Sahih... من أحدث في أمرنا هذا ما ليس فيه فهو رد ...
"Whoever introduces into this matter of ours something that is not from it, it is rejected."
Fixed religious days not found in the sunnah are not added to the religion.
Sahih Muslim 976
Sahih... فزوروا القبور فإنها تذكر الموت ...
"So visit graves, for they remind you of death."
Visiting the grave is a sunnah open on any day.
Where the ruling is recorded
- Radd al-Muhtar (Ibn Abidin), Kitab al-Salah, Bab Salat al-Janazah. The dislike of meals hosted by the family of the dead and of fixed days.
Checked by our team. For a more accurate answer to your own situation, consult a scholar. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.