Short answer
Her iddah starts the moment he dies, so in the Hanafi school she stays at home and does not follow the funeral to the cemetery or visit the grave until the iddah ends. She can see his face and say goodbye before the body leaves, and she may pray the janazah if it is held where she is.
A widow in iddah stays in her marital home and leaves only by day for genuine need. Following the procession and visiting the grave are not needs, and women following funerals is makruh tahrimi in the Hanafi school in any case. She may visit his grave after the iddah, within the limits for women visiting graves.
The four schools agree on this.
Explanation
For a wife who has just lost her husband, being told she cannot go to the burial can feel like one more loss. The ruling is not meant to separate her from him. It comes from the command to stay in her home during the iddah, which begins the moment he dies. The other schools also tell the widow to stay at home, though their details on going out differ.
- She can see his face, hold his hand and say goodbye after the washing, before the body is taken out, if he is brought home or she is with the body.
- She can pray the janazah if it is held at the home.
- She can make dua for him at home as much as she wishes; it reaches him just the same.
- She can visit his grave after the iddah, calmly and with dua; see women visiting graves.
- If he died in hospital while she was with him, she returns home and keeps her iddah there.
- If she was travelling when he died, she returns home as soon as she can, unless the journey is long or unsafe; a mufti can advise on her case.
Her presence at the grave is not what helps him. Her patience, her dua and her care for his family and children do. When a widow asked to move to her family during her iddah, the Prophet ﷺ told her to stay in her house until the term was complete. See what a widow can do during iddah and women at the janazah.
Ask a mufti about your own case. This answer explains the general ruling. When the details of your situation matter, as they do here, ask a qualified mufti and give them the full facts. Where to ask a scholar.
The evidence
Quran, Surah Al-Baqara 2:234
وَٱلَّذِينَ يُتَوَفَّوْنَ مِنكُمْ وَيَذَرُونَ أَزْوَٰجًۭا يَتَرَبَّصْنَ بِأَنفُسِهِنَّ أَرْبَعَةَ أَشْهُرٍۢ وَعَشْرًۭا ۖ فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا فَعَلْنَ فِىٓ أَنفُسِهِنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرٌۭ ﴿٢٣٤﴾
And those who are taken in death among you and leave wives behind - they, [the wives, shall] wait four months and ten [days]. And when they have fulfilled their term, then there is no blame upon you for what they do with themselves in an acceptable manner. And Allah is [fully] Acquainted with what you do.
The widow's waiting period starts with the death.
Sunan Abi Dawud 2300
Graded sahih... امكثي في بيتك حتى يبلغ الكتاب أجله ...
"Stay in your house until the prescribed term is complete."
The widow keeps her iddah in her home.
Where the ruling is recorded
- Radd al-Muhtar (Ibn Abidin), Kitab al-Talaq, Fasl fi al-Hidad. Where the widow spends her iddah and when she may go out.
- al-Hidaya, Kitab al-Talaq, Bab al-'Iddah. The widow going out by day for need.
Checked by our team. For a more accurate answer to your own situation, consult a scholar. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.