Short answer
A wife should not refuse her husband without a valid reason, and the hadith warns strongly against it. But valid reasons are accepted: illness, pain, her period or postnatal bleeding, an obligatory fast, real exhaustion or harm. The husband has the same duty to meet her needs, and forcing or harming her is haram.
Responding to her husband is a wife's duty when she has no excuse, and refusing without one is sinful. Illness, pain, harm, menstruation and an obligatory fast are valid excuses, and according to Abu Hanifa she may also refuse until the prompt mahr is paid. The husband must not harm her, and he must fulfil her right to intimacy as well.
Other madhhabs
- Shafi'i
- Once the marriage is consummated she may not refuse for the sake of the prompt mahr, and refusing intimacy without an excuse counts as nushuz, which ends her right to maintenance.
- Hanbali
- Refusing without an excuse is nushuz and ends her right to maintenance, and after consummation she may not refuse for the prompt mahr.
Explanation
The Prophet ﷺ said that if a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses without reason, the angels curse her until morning. The strength of this warning shows that intimacy is a central right in marriage. It protects both spouses from looking elsewhere.
The right runs both ways. When Abdullah ibn Amr spent his nights in prayer and his days fasting, the Prophet ﷺ told him that his wife had a right over him. Hanafi scholars say a husband must be intimate with his wife often enough to keep her chaste, and should care about her pleasure, not only his own. Allah commands men to live with their wives in kindness (4:19).
Valid reasons to say no:
- Illness, pain or a medical condition.
- Her period or postnatal bleeding, when intercourse is forbidden anyway.
- The daytime of a Ramadan or other obligatory fast.
- Real exhaustion, or a time that would harm her.
- A request for something haram, such as anal intercourse. See what is forbidden in intimacy.
- In the Hanafi school, before the prompt part of the mahr is paid.
No force, no harm. A husband who uses violence or coercion is sinning, and his wife can take the matter to a judge or Islamic council. When a couple's desires do not match, the answer is talking, kindness, medical help where needed and counselling, not threats in either direction. See rights of the husband and rights of the wife.
The evidence
Quran, Surah Al-Baqara 2:228
وَٱلْمُطَلَّقَٰتُ يَتَرَبَّصْنَ بِأَنفُسِهِنَّ ثَلَٰثَةَ قُرُوٓءٍۢ ۚ وَلَا يَحِلُّ لَهُنَّ أَن يَكْتُمْنَ مَا خَلَقَ ٱللَّهُ فِىٓ أَرْحَامِهِنَّ إِن كُنَّ يُؤْمِنَّ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلْيَوْمِ ٱلْءَاخِرِ ۚ وَبُعُولَتُهُنَّ أَحَقُّ بِرَدِّهِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ إِنْ أَرَادُوٓا۟ إِصْلَٰحًۭا ۚ وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ ٱلَّذِى عَلَيْهِنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌۭ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ ﴿٢٢٨﴾
Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
Rights in marriage, including intimacy, run both ways.
Quran, Surah An-Nisaa 4:19
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرْهًۭا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا۟ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةٍۢ مُّبَيِّنَةٍۢ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا ﴿١٩﴾
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
Kindness, not force, governs marital life.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5193
Sahih... إذا دعا الرجل امرأته إلى فراشه فأبت ...
"If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses..."
Refusing without reason is strongly condemned.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5199
Sahih... فإن لجسدك عليك حقا وإن لعينك عليك حقا وإن لزوجك عليك حقا ...
"Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, and your wife has a right over you."
The husband also owes his wife her right.
Where the ruling is recorded
- al-Durr al-Mukhtar with Radd al-Muhtar, Kitab al-Nikah, Bab al-Mahr. Abu Hanifa's view that she may refuse herself until the prompt mahr is paid, even after consummation.
- Radd al-Muhtar (Ibn Abidin), Kitab al-Nikah, Bab al-Qasm. The husband's duty of intimacy towards his wife.
- Minhaj al-Talibin (Nawawi), Kitab al-Nafaqat. The Shafi'i view that refusal without excuse is nushuz.
Checked by our team. For a more accurate answer to your own situation, consult a scholar. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.