Short answer
Work on it before ending it: name the real problem, talk calmly, keep up your own duties, make dua, get help from wise family or a counsellor, and if needed bring an arbitrator from each family. If it still cannot work, divorce or khula is allowed, with kindness. Abuse is different: if you are unsafe, get help and call the emergency services.
Trying to repair the marriage is recommended, and arbitration by the two families is the Quran's method. In the Hanafi school the arbitrators reconcile but cannot separate the couple unless both spouses authorise them. Where a couple cannot live within Allah's limits, talaq by the husband or khula by the wife is permissible, and lasting harm is grounds for a Muslim judge or council to dissolve the marriage.
Other madhhabs
- Maliki
- The two arbitrators may separate the couple if reconciliation fails, even without the husband's consent.
Explanation
Allah says, "if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good" (4:19). The Prophet ﷺ said a believing man should not hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one trait in her, he will be pleased with another. Most marriages go through dry and hard seasons. Many that seem lost can be rebuilt.
Steps to try:
- Name the problem. Is it money, in-laws, intimacy, chores, faith, a past hurt, or simply no time together?
- Talk at a calm time, about one issue at a time, without insults or threats of divorce.
- Look at yourself. Are you fulfilling your own duties? See rights of the husband and rights of the wife.
- Bring back worship together. Pray together, read Quran, make dua for your spouse.
- Get help. A Muslim counsellor, an imam, or a doctor for health issues. Then, if needed, an arbitrator from each family (4:35). A settlement is best (4:128).
When it is time to part. If years of effort have not worked, or there is abuse, addiction, neglect or betrayal, Islam does not ask you to stay forever. A husband may give talaq in the best way, and a wife may seek khula or a dissolution. See valid reasons for divorce, khula and the best way to give talaq.
If you are in danger, call the emergency services first. For decisions about your own marriage, speak to a mufti.
Ask a mufti about your own case. This answer explains the general ruling. When the details of your situation matter, as they do here, ask a qualified mufti and give them the full facts. Where to ask a scholar.
The evidence
Quran, Surah An-Nisaa 4:19
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرْهًۭا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا۟ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةٍۢ مُّبَيِّنَةٍۢ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا ﴿١٩﴾
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
Patience and looking for the good in a spouse.
Quran, Surah An-Nisaa 4:35
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَٱبْعَثُوا۟ حَكَمًۭا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِۦ وَحَكَمًۭا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَآ إِن يُرِيدَآ إِصْلَٰحًۭا يُوَفِّقِ ٱللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَآ ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًۭا ﴿٣٥﴾
And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].
Families help reconcile before separation.
Quran, Surah An-Nisaa 4:128
وَإِنِ ٱمْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِنۢ بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًۭا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَآ أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًۭا ۚ وَٱلصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌۭ ۗ وَأُحْضِرَتِ ٱلْأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّ ۚ وَإِن تُحْسِنُوا۟ وَتَتَّقُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ﴿١٢٨﴾
And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.
A negotiated settlement is better than breaking up.
Sahih Muslim 1468
Sahih... لا يفرك مؤمن مؤمنة إن كره منها خلقا رضي منها آخر ...
"A believing man should not hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her traits, he will be pleased with another."
Look at the whole person, not one fault.
Where the ruling is recorded
- Ahkam al-Quran (al-Jassas), commentary on Surah al-Nisa 4:35. The Hanafi view that arbitrators reconcile and only separate with the spouses' authorisation.
- al-Hidaya, Kitab al-Talaq, Bab al-Khul'. Khula when the couple cannot keep Allah's limits.
- Mukhtasar Khalil with al-Sharh al-Kabir, chapter on the two arbitrators. The Maliki view that the arbitrators may separate the couple.
Checked by our team. For a more accurate answer to your own situation, consult a scholar. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.