Short answer
You must always treat your parents with kindness and respect, and obey them in what is good and lawful, especially in their needs and where refusing would hurt them without reason. You may not obey them in sin. In personal matters like choosing a spouse or a career you may differ, gently. The four schools agree.
Kindness to parents (birr) is fard, and disrespecting or hurting them ('uquq) is a major sin. Obeying them is wajib in permissible matters where they have a real interest or would be hurt by refusal, unless it causes you clear harm. Obeying them in sin is haram.
The four schools agree on this.
Explanation
Allah joins kindness to parents with His own worship: "your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment", and forbids even saying "uff" to them (17:23). Yet when parents push a child towards shirk, the Quran says not to obey them, and still to keep their company with kindness in this world (31:15). These two ayahs set the balance.
- In sin, no obedience. If they tell you to drop prayer, lie, cut ties with relatives or take part in haram, you politely decline.
- In obligations, no permission needed. Fard prayer, fasting, hijab and paying debts do not depend on their approval.
- In their needs and wishes, obey. Helping them, visiting, staying near when they need care, and avoiding a risky trip or job that frightens them.
- In your own life, weigh their view. Choosing a spouse, a degree, a job or where to live: their wishes deserve great weight, but you do not sin by choosing differently with respect. See marrying without parents' permission.
Divorcing a wife because parents say so. Umar once told his son Abdullah to divorce his wife, and the Prophet ﷺ told Abdullah to obey his father. Scholars explain that Umar had a sound religious reason. A parent's dislike of a good wife, without a valid reason, does not oblige a son to divorce her, but he must keep honouring both.
Even when you cannot obey, speak gently, never shout, and keep serving them. The mother's right comes first: the Prophet ﷺ named her three times before the father. Disrespecting parents is among the greatest sins. If a parent is abusive, see abusive parents. For more, read rights of parents.
The evidence
Quran, Surah Al-Israa 17:23
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا ﴿٢٣﴾
And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.
Kindness and gentle speech to parents are commanded.
Quran, Surah Luqman 31:15
وَإِن جَٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًۭا ۖ وَٱتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ﴿١٥﴾
But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.
Parents are not obeyed in sin, yet kindness to them continues.
Sahih al-Bukhari 7257
Sahih... لا طاعة في معصية إنما الطاعة في المعروف ...
"There is no obedience in sin; obedience is only in what is good."
The limit of obeying anyone, parents included.
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1899
Grading to be checked... رضا الرب في رضا الوالد ...
"The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent."
Pleasing parents is a way to Allah's pleasure.
Sahih al-Bukhari 2654
Sahih... الإشراك بالله وعقوق الوالدين ...
"Associating partners with Allah and disobedience to parents."
Disrespecting parents is named among the greatest sins.
Where the ruling is recorded
- Radd al-Muhtar (Ibn Abidin), Kitab al-Jihad, opening discussion. Going out for a non-obligatory journey of risk needs the parents' permission, and obligations do not.
- al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, Kitab al-Karahiyya. Obedience to parents in permissible matters and its limits.
Checked by our team. For a more accurate answer to your own situation, consult a scholar. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.